Day 414: You were my bastions, you were my mothers (Blanka)
When we first met, you said: “You have good birthing heads”. This sentence rang on and on in my head for long time. You also said that Attila is someone who is not going away, and he will stay for the birth, and he did. (Well OK, once he tried to go out, me already in the pushing stage, on my four limbs, turned away, but I shouted: “Don’t go out!” – we still laugh when we talk about this, he hurried back.)
You arrived around 2 am. Maybe too early, but for all of us (my twin sister and my older sister came just before you arrived) it was reassuring that you are there. I consider it a gift of fate that there were two of you. You were bastions between which I could be who I am. The massage, the hot poultices were so liberating, I can’t even imagine how one can give birth without those. I did not need to pay attention to you, you held me. You heard me without me speaking.
I sat in the tub, maybe this is when it came to me that I want silence, so that I can turn to inner me. There is no time in my memory.
I am standing in the room, holding on to Attila’s shoulders, I need to pee, but no, I will not arrive on time to the toilet. Attila’s soothing voice, his sudden idea, I pee on a towel. I feel grateful to him for this till this very day.
Already in the pushing stage, me on his knees, too high, my legs cramp a little – afterwards I learned that his cramped even more –, Emese slides her feet under mine, so I could rest my legs, I see how your eyes connect, it is so reassuring to see how you help each other in the helping.
I am on all fours, a lot. A muscle on the left side of my vagina developed a strain, which is now getting in the way of Blanka’s head. You are massaging the tension out. And the result is there. You are asking me if I want to touch the baby’s head. Well of course!
This, however, did not move us much forward. The pushing is long. I am at the finish line, but I still hesitate. Something else is close. I could not believe that I’m afraid of death, but now that I see an overpowering force, I do not want to give up on life, I’m afraid that I will tear appart. I get jasmine. You calm me, encourage me to change my body position.
I am squatting. You say, you can even lie on your back now, and you quietly tear the perineum, I’m on my back already, baby on my belly, not crying, quietly, with one eye, twinkling at the world. Attila chanting: “I can not believe, I can not believe how big it is.” I can not get enough of our lovely baby, I look at the tiny hands, face. You cover us up, we cry.
Oh, but what is the sex, Emese asks, already two minutes have passed, but it did not come to our minds to ask, you ask with a smile: Should I reveal it?”
You gently examine our lovely baby girl, as you touch her, I feel as if you were touching me, gently and as you smooth your hand over her head at one point you say, it hurts a bit here, you give her arnica. You warmed the stethoscope in your hand, before you touched the small body with it.
You went out of the room. The three of us stayed alone. Happy. Perhaps almost an hour later you came back, a good portion of the umbilical cord was already cold, rubbery, lifeless, Emese cut it bravely. The placenta slipped. Interestingly, I cannot recall the exact feeling of Blanka being born, but I can remember at any time how the birth of placenta felt. I’m excited to see if the placenta is complete, you calm me, show me, unfold it, it is amazing. (Later on, Attila burried it behind our house in Abrahamhegy, at the border of the forest. We planted a stonecrop over it.)
Juli showed me how I can help Blanka with the first nursing. You sew the scar, only a stitch, I shout freely and loudly, Emese holds my hand, Blanka lays peacefully on my belly. You say that it’s over, but I had to shout again as it felt good! You wash my thighs, legs, I lay on my belly, Blanka in the hands of my sisters, I laugh, it was so long time ago that I layed like this, you’re laughing, you say, enjoy now, because you’re not going to lay like this for long. We laugh.
You arrange the bed nicely, you ask, where do I put the pillow. Each beautifully arranged, Blanka is definitely nursing. You give me a kiss. “You have nice baby.” – You say. I’m so happy and proud, I climbed the Mount Everest.
I feel so close to my mother – she gave birth to five of us – to every mother. You were my mothers. Thank you.
Blanka came into the world peacefully, so she does not disturb the world. She respects the world, because she is respected, she appreciates it, because she is appreciated, she is patient, as we are patient with her, too. Pure love shines from her, as she arrived into loving hands.
Véletlenül kiválasztott mesék.
This post is also available in: Hungarian