Day 418. From the distance of two years
This time two years ago was Saturday and I was about to call you that our baby was going to be born. I talked to Dorka (I think) and when I heard that you were with your family I told her that it wasn’t important and not to tell you that I had called. Soon you phoned me. It was such a good feeling.
We had a sleep, the baby was born, and everything changed.
One has vague images of love and acceptance and can’t live more of it than they dream and experience. Though I think my dreams are daring, I didn’t think that by acceptance of each other I can develop so much. I’ve got answers from my children many times that yes, basically we do quite well, but it often happens that I don’t love them. I didn’t understand why, as I lived for my family with every beat of my heart. Insatiable they are – I thought.
And we met. My blood sugar wasn’t too high for you, though the antenatal care assistant implied I was careless. My abdomen wasn’t too hard, it was perfect regarding its size, shape and everything. The little one could happily place itself diagonally inside me even on week 37, I wasn’t made to worry that he might have been born in breech position. He was given the freedom of choice to come out feet first if he had wanted to. He was allowed to turn from the diagonal position the way he managed to, it didn’t matter, it was good anyhow. I didn’t have to fear of anything with you.
When you came to our place you found everything was good as it was. Though we slept on the floor, our mattresses were worn away and there were a lot of things in our flat that were far from being perfect, indeed. In spite of this all of your movements and your behaviour had the message that everything was good the way it was. Except for the many lamps, which were quickly turned on by Csabi when after your phone call he went out to meet you. You told us that in such brightness it is impossible to go into labour and I agreed. While Zsófi was changing the poultices on me there were some little noises like those of angel-wings’ and you were already settled. Nothing distracted me; I was free like a bird. I can usually practice acceptance only if I can see that things go in their right way.
Up to what point are our things on the right track and when is it wise to interfere? It requires continual alertness and clairvoyance. And when the right time comes to change, how should it be done? You showed me this during delivery, too. The time to change my position came, though it was very good to be sitting there. A silent request, a hardly recognisable suggestion, and a carefully prepared destination. (Juli adds that with her, the suggestion fell on deaf ears so then it was followed by a stronger recommendation.) How many times do I neglect the questions and the suggestions? I just say things bluntly that this or that will happen, because I know it. The result will be the same; the other person goes down on their knees. But what feelings do they have meanwhile? For me, it was good to go down on my knees. I felt that it was made with love. My children, when I force them on their knees, feel that I don’t love them.
I learn a lot from you.
My eldest son has started school. They have educated us, and we have educated them too, and we go on doing so in the future. But I am going to do it differently.
What I am used to and I could do without thinking is like giving birth deduced by an obstetrician today. I am the big and experienced one, and I know what is wrong and what is right, I’ll tell you this, and you are supposed to live by this.
What I am learning now, and I feel it is good, is similar to Attila’s birth. This is your life, and no one can know better what is good for you. I try to conceive it, support you doing it, and recognise as long as things are on the right track that things are changing so you should change as well and prepare the things for after the changes so that you can feel comfortable there too.
Thank you ever so much! I am lucky to have met you. I long for another time to see you.
Véletlenül kiválasztott mesék.
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