True stories about birth and giving birth

Day 1242. The sixth (Once upon a time…)

Day 1242. The sixth (Once upon a time…)

This story does not begin like the others. Not so and not then, but weeks and months before it. I gave birth to five children with Ági. I have five beautiful stories, experiences that made all days shining. I was content and happy, the world was fulfilled.

Then one day we had some friends for visit. We haven’t seen each other long time and it was a surprise to see the girl with huge belly as she was pregnant. It was good to see them. After their leaving we looked at each other with G., and said together: “I so envy them!” And we smiled, my shake started to tremble from excitement and happiness – so now do we do it again?

We are lucky, or just very much fit together, because the baby was conceived very soon. I was a bit upset when I realized all symptoms what reminded me of my pregnancy. It wasn’t only physical. Very, very soon, in the early months I started to think about the birth: how it will go? Will I endure it? Will my baby be healthy? Will be all right? I was full of distress what I could not handle it.

More difficulty came from outside too. Ági was arrested and after her release she had to stay in home custody. There was no way that I could have this baby as I had the others. I could not hope for it, but I dreamt of it. From time to time I visited Ági, collected her smiles and positive thoughts what she gave me and I filled in with hope. I tried to avoid all questions about whom I will give birth with, how and where?

Of course we made plans. I chose a midwife in a hospital, for first time in my life, and she was very appealing. I met a midwife replacing Ági, and her crystal clear eyes escorted me for days after the meeting. But still, I wanted Ági.

In these days I met often Ági, too. I didn’t care about her custody, I disturbed her with every whining, every thoughts and doubts what popped into my mind. I was in the last stage of my pregnancy. As weeks went by I’ve had more and more ache as signal for labour, they’ve come more intensive, sometimes for hours, and confused me. I didn’t know if it was already time, or it will be soon or what? “I’ll wait if you make me wait, I’ll go if you guide me…”

Days went by very slowly, they turned into weeks. The weather became impossible, the temperature changed extremely from day to day, but my baby did not move.

The calculated date passed by, I had to go for cardiotocography, and with this a great calmness has beset me. Silences before the storm, people say. That night I woke for strong contractions and I was happy about it. In every twenty minutes came an ache, in order, constantly, and in meantime slowly morning arrived. And with the morning light I saw the world all in white, although the past days seemed as spring, now it was snowing. A silent white world was outside.

The usual daily routine began: the boys went to school and the girls to kindergarten. G. stayed with me, at home. He was working next to me, I sat at the big kitchen table and lost myself in an insensate puzzle game. Time went by slowly. The order of contractions didn’t change, they were rare but strong, and had already a rhythm. Morning turned to afternoon, the kids came home, clattered around me, lunch, homework, snack – meanwhile the slow rhythm deep inside me. I did not know if this is the labour or not, but for the first time I didn’t even care. I thought that I would not do anything otherwise if it were it, nor if it weren’t. When I felt a strong contraction, I sighed and stopped for a moment, and then I turned back to the outside world. And came the moment when I knew exactly what I want and how I want it. There were no more questions.

“Let’s go!” – I said to G. “It is time to leave!” The drive was about half an hour and we did not spoke much. They were waiting for us when we arrived. We stepped in and I really did arrive into safety: the contractions overran me, became consistent and very strong, so suddenly I was in the middle of laboring. I was elsewhere than before, it was different than my other births, but I got the same love and same care. The familiar scent of the muscatel-sage closed around me and that hot swathing on my belly…!

I was standing, during contractions I clanged to something, and at the time G. held the hot cloth onto my belly, he held me from behind, cuddled up to me, hugged me. I’ve never felt him so close, and I needed him to be there so badly, like a bite of bread. My thoughts were flying. Fragments of poems popped into my mind, and as a great gift from my brain I remembered the words. “…as your clench is ever fierce, as my embrace is ever tighter…” “…rain merges our heart together…” “…my wall against you is a fall, forever…”

These sentences circled around me and each one of them gave me something. I whispered them for myself and they flu me far away. I sank into the creating pain; nothing else mattered, only the moment. Time flu by, my midwife prepared the baby blankets, when suddenly everything changed, slowed down, and hushed. My earlier fears came back and asked for more time.

I quizzed G.: “Could I give birth to this baby? Will I endure it? Am I able to do it? Where this fear is came from? Was I afraid before too?” And he replied: “Before it was different. We were at home, in our house, with Ági. Now we don’t have a house, it was knocked down, and we live in a borrowed flat, and Ági is in home custody. Now everything is different, and yet all the same.”

At that moment I realized: that was so hard. In the past months I wasn’t afraid of the birth, or that the baby won’t be alright. I was afraid because I didn’t know how and where I would be on this day, and with whom. And now I was here, in a strange place, and although I know with my mind that I am at the perfect place, in the best hands, in perfect safety; my body needed time not only to know it, but believe in it.

Hours passed by. The rhythm of my labour broke, the earlier strong but moderate waves of pain became irregular. Between contractions I did not ask anymore if I am capable of giving birth to this baby, but I wondered: “Is it possible here? Like this? Now? May I really do it?”

And everyone smiled at me: “Yes, you may. You may do everything.” I was embraced by great love and total acceptance. I have found the way back slowly, the painful and beautiful path to my baby. Baby blankets turned up again, and the small heater (“Argh! So smelly, we used it long time ago!”); I felt certainly the baby descending down, and yet I still needed something, some last sign that everything will be alright, I can let it go, nothing bad will happen.

In that moment suddenly the doorbell rang; the worst thing happened what I could imagine – strangers disturbed me in the middle of my birth. Strangers came, and because of the house were empty, my midwife had to go and arrange things with them; but it was only for a minute and when she came back, I had nothing to be afraid of.

The baby went forth, I searched for my place: how would it be good? At last I sat at the edge of the bed, G. held me from behind, he cuddled, I clanged on to him, and I felt that I became a tunnel, I open completely, and my baby was born within one long push. I reached out my arms and embraced my baby.

The baby was in my arms, and I was in G.’s arms. Never before was he so close to me during labour, in so much tightness physically. That was the biggest gift in this birth, and I was overcome by joy, that he loves me so perfectly fair. And love overgrew me; I fell in love with him again, by many times. We held together our baby, and after a few moments we looked together at the small package: “Who has arrived into our lives now?” “It is a girl.” We both smiled. The world is so perfect. We are the old royal couple from fairy tales whom have three handsome sons and three beautiful daughters…

It is a fantastic gift from life that all my six children could come into this world in peace, unmolestedly, with home birth. That no one hurt us, disturbed us, we could go on our own way in our own rhythm. Of course it would be great if my sixth child were also born at home, with Ági. That I could say: you all were born in this very room. This dream of mine could not come true at last. However in a strange house I also have found fully acceptance, love and protecting care; and for the sixth time I was also in safety and took care of. When after few hours we were leaving into the winter night for heading home, my midwife looked at me with the glance of Ági, and that cosseted me just like ever before.

R. K.

Véletlenül kiválasztott mesék.

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