Day 673. Full of expectations and joy
I was happy filled with joy when I was expectant with my first baby Ádám. I also had a lot of questions unanswered and fears I had none to tell, mainly in connection with having to stay in a hospital, where sick people are looked after, in fact even the thought of a hospital made me nervous.
I gave birth in Debrecen, where there were some “alternative tools” to help mothers like a special chair for the delivery, but I found that the use of those was not automatic. Only if the doctor allowed. I was shocked by the way I was commanded and given instructions. It felt as in being in the army! It was least encouraging, rather stopped the natural way of letting the baby come.
My fears and the feeling of insecurity grew bigger and bigger when we were left alone in a room with white walls, a really high bed surrounded with tools that looked to me like things used for torturing people. Nothing was explained, so I did not know what was happening, what is the next.
All examinations hurt and the doctor was rude. After about 8 hours of suffering spiritually and physically the end was coming nearer. I only felt one thing: this is something impossible to survive, and I wanted to forget about everything. I felt there is little progress, and there is nowhere I could escape.
I remembered a film, where a mother gave birth in a sitting position, so I started pleading to let me sit up. This brought a change, this position was not humiliating, and helped a lot to let the baby forward. This is how I managed to avoid a caesarian section.
Next difficulty was to face the room we were put. Never peace, people all the time coming, going, opening the door (my bed was in front of the door, so every time it was opened, people were looking in from the corridor.)
Breastfeeding was not that easy, because of the stress I faced: there were scars and sores and inflammation. When lunch was brought I just managed to put the baby to the breast in the right position, so I had to choose: eat or feed.
I left the hospital exhausted, there was no one night I could sleep. My dreams of childbirth and becoming a mother being an exceptional wonderful experience were torn apart.
M. A. K.
Véletlenül kiválasztott mesék.
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