Day 408. My first birth
Fainting into the world
The first birth is like fainting into the world. An unconscious but omniscient baby’s bloody, raw and mindless swim into the world. Blood. Spittle. Choking. Fear – is the first unwittingly known feeling. Shivering. A hasp of light sifting through the eyes. From a warm and slimy hole shape of a self into a floppy and creepy space. It’s aching. A strong palm in a wet gloves; holds me and I slip. A piece of lap of womb softly touches my thin skin.
They call it: relative disproportion, Caesar section. The reality: Friday afternoon, football world championship.
First birth – 17.
At the age 17. The grim doctor scowled: “Yack-yack, this is not a game, do you want to have children at all, shame on you…” In the corridor the man 20 years older than me, he sits tight, fears for me and bites his lip. The doctor doesn’t ask him: “Well, well, and the responsibility? You crash her, she is so young! You should take care of her, cosseting her, covering with silver clothes, laid on leaves and flowers… Not ruin her, knocked her up, just ejaculate into the world… What did you think? Yacketty-yack…”
“Pull off your panties. Wait here.” Cold aisle and not even a piece of nighties hide my shame. Curious eyes asking: how old is she???
Reflectors – I stand on the stage of my life. “Here are the boots, slide down a bit, have you ever had an operation? Do you have loose dental plate? Allergy? Childhood sicknesses?” And again: “loose dental plate?” Are they nuts or kidding me? I would jump from the bed, screw them! My body does not obey anymore. With indignant eyes I fall into a short and bitter dream. They buffet me into life again. Inside me there is cold moor, it’s for long.
First birth – a hellish pain.
A dreadful pain awakes me, the first birth, so soon? It cannot be! Fear. My little baby… One call for doctor, he says: “Just calm down and stay in bed, I’ll work in two days if you want me, but you can get any other doctor at the ambulance, painkiller required, because it will be painful, must tolerate and then scraping. No need to be worried, it’s a small operation.”
It cannot be. I wanted it. I wanted it then, I always wanted, but it was not possible. Now it is possible. Why me? Is it a punishment? He will be called Benedek. I will die, this pain is like hell. A phone call in the night: “Honey, I cannot be there with you, you must understand, I’m working, call someone else!” Don’t you understand? I am scared. I will DIE. Again… this pain is killing me. I will throw up… “Hey, babe, are you still there? Do not cry sweetie, you know I would be there with you if I could, and I am with you like this, but I have to go now. Do you want me to call your brother?” Yeah, sure, why not? He won’t bother my bloody loneliness. I wonder where the bigger pain is: inside or outside? I will decease quietly and that’s it. Everyone will be with me. Ha-ha…
First birth – started with an examination
My first birth started with a medical examination. And then another, and another – yeah well, there are lots of medical students, they must practice. Twelve pair of eyes gazes at one hole. Is it a billiards game at run-in? No, it is my first birth. Although they ask politely whether they can do or not. Can do what? Sure, everyone should take off their pants and take out their dick, and I hold each one’s who touches me! We can do like that! But I only say thoughtfully: yes, of course… Oops, an unskillful movement – whew, careful young man! Lady, we will give birth! Are you not happy?
I am relaxing in a bathtub. Everyone be quiet. The water drips too loudly, it cannot be stopped. My darling is next to me but what for? I pretend as if he gives me strength, as he is indispensable. My strength is within me, I am with myself. Time is extended and endless. Pain is extended too like the sea. I am floating. Now I grow stiff. How should I move? I must endure. It will be over. I give endless time for myself, I am a fighter, I will beat it. I give endless strength for myself, I am a fighter and I possess it.
Do not touch me, I snatch my hand. I don’t care about your glance like a faithful dog’s, now it is my time. Pour me some hot water, but quietly, very quietly. And be drawn out, now you must be like you don’t exist. Try to understand that it is not about you. Water seething – like hammers banging on my nerves.
They order me out from the bath, it is exam-time. I lay on my back like a bug poked by a stick. Someone dips into me, into us; why do they torture me? I want to do it on my own, I don’t want it here. There is a smile under a mustache: “I see the head, do you want to go back?” No man, I can’t go back, I cannot move, it’s painful, it hurts very much! I lost my strength and I feel a terrible pain. They did something to me! I kick someone, the midwife swings into the wall. Well, at least that is revenge… “It was a small cut, it couldn’t hurt that much! We are almost done” – said someone. They fooled me. I can rely only on myself.
My ancient strength is back. I don’t give my baby away, now he is mine. I just muster him. On my breast, he is smart, knows what he is doing, so they don’t take him away. We won. I am full of fighter energy and I get up from the bed. I give my baby to his father and leave for a shower. Everyone yammers: I may faint. Come on… there is only life in here, he was born right now and my body is full of vitality! I introduce my kid to the heavens.
Second birth – starting with chicken with paprika
The second birth starts with The Chicken with Paprika and The Curdy Pasta. I am eager; I eat until I am full. There is no more room in my belly, it pops, my water just broke and seething, so let’s go. There are many towels between my legs. It’s embarrassing. The neighbors look sympathetically. It’s a whale of water, where did I store this? In the hospital they want me to dictate all my items. I ask whether it is not a problem if I flood the hallway with my water. The answer is a flip: “Come now, others had leakage too.” The show me where to sign it, and then: “Oh my God, your water is lashing!” So they push me towards a birth bed to continue there. I wanted a separate room. “Don’t tell me, it is full house! Be content blah blah…”
The folding screens hide only bodies; voices and sounds break through everything: screens, minds, and they reach heart and soul. On my right I hear sobbing, like splinter of voice that hurts. “It doesn’t move! What happened? I never ever, never again…” “Well, don’t talk nonsense, you will give birth one day, you’ll see.” – said another voice without any fragment of sympathy. Witless woman, and if the phantom of despair swims into her mind during supper, she will burp loudly to send it back.
On my left a faint voice calls for the nurse. Then noises of retching, choking, and vomiting. I rush there, it seems more urgent then my status, I might help something. She is on infusion, it tries to stop a miscarriage, she can’t move. She’s crying, afraid; I make her calm and look for someone. The corridor is empty, I don’t see anyone. I wait, call out, and wait more. After a while an unwilling face appears and approaches. She smites her hand together and says: “What did you do there?!” Barely added “pig” to this outcry.
I go back behind my screen and put myself together, to concentrate on my process. I beg inward: please my baby, let’s unite, you and me, if we do this we will be a good team, so hurry out and get out of here quickly! I cannot hold on.
Here comes the nurse. I was told that the father can be with me. Alright, said she but you need to have a shower, after he can come. I had a shower before I came here… “You must have a shower!” Okay, okay, order is an order, I’m leaving. I take a pee and between my legs – oops! – a little head. I am smiling and terrified at the same time: because we did it, the two of us, but I don’t want it to land in the lav. I hold the head, and try to go to the door bestridden. I get out and cry out for help; it is slightly difficult to walk like this. Two people rush in, start to drag me by my armpits shouting: what are you doing, hold that head and don’t push!! – I might even grin to frighten them like this. Now this is fun. – They order me to climb up the bed. Are you kidding me?? How so? The bed is taller than my hip; I hold the small head with my two hands, and try to hold in contractions with my womb and vagina… They see my hesitation, a third member comes in. They are scared, loud and harsh. They fling me up to bed. “She isn’t even shaved!!” (Well I am terribly sorry lady, but you just didn’t have time to intimately take care of me.) The orders are: knees back and push! And she bends my knees back and that is massively painful! But she continues and snaps at me: be not hysterical, just push! Alright, said to myself, I push just to get rid of you…
In the good old way I catch hold of my little pander and lying on my breast. My baby is smart, nursing already, so they let us be.
Finally I leave for a shower. The plughole is blocked from blood, hair and who knows what else. The water level rises and the shower door closes well, it keeps everything in. It’s disgusting, my stomach starts lifting and I feel dizzy. Little starts and small black hoops in front of my eyes; I know this: I will soon faint. Usually I lay down so I don’t hit myself badly. But now I need to get out from here, the water level goes up. With my last effort I pull the door but it doesn’t open, and the water is full with human dirt… My legs weaken and my hand slides down the shower glass. That is my last flash. Dread.
I wake up. The father of my kid holds me, I am naked and wet, the floor is filthy under us. So they let him in now… My last picture is his first sight. He punched out the door, the dirty water washes his legs, but he didn’t stop: as a hero he catches and hugs his lost lover… We can breathe again.
However I must change my tone because a new chapter of my life began. Suffice it to say that this hero leaves from our life.
After four years a new love came, and the story of more kids and home births began.
My first birth – harmony
I rarely answer the phone.
Every day is waiting.
We passed the due time. Every second day need an examination. It’s killing me.
We do everything to be born: walking, make love, but nothing happens…
The last weeks are restless for me. I roam the house every night and get introverted.
And finally after ten months the procession begins by itself, MY first birth. (All mine!) He is a lovechild. I wanted and he wanted to come. He waited long. How many events: birth, death, obligate abortion and miscarriage, birth in happiness and birth by myself – all strength in these assemble now inside me.
At dinner there’s a touch inside me and I move away. I wish to be alone, naked in a forest of pine and oak. No, not alone: embraced by the world. It hurts and I don’t like it. But this state of mind captures me and I cradle myself inside.
Reality wakes me. After dinner come the boys, their eyes full of appetite for knowledge. They ask like they don’t know already: yes, the time has come.
My love vibrates together with me. Never felt this before: having someone simply next to me and feeling his care girdles around me.
He calls Ági, and she asks for me. She knows from a sigh, from the silence and my presence that she is needed here. That is good for me, gives me safety.
I feel covered with ashamed. I don’t want this. This caring towards me, this attention for me is much unknown and can hardly be accepted. I try to ease my tone, like it is not a big deal – what if it’s a false alarm? I do want her but only in secret. I desire her touch, her thoughtfulness, her bony and secure hands; I want the feeling as two woman exchange power and that two life, two destiny meet for a moment in this present. She knows that too and she is coming.
She and a doula arrive. Do I have to perform something so the whole stir will get sense? Are they the guests or I am? Should I offer them something? They just seek what I would need. The start is stumbling. And the process stops, betrays me. I am strong and don’t know: how should I be weak and in necessity? How should I wish for care and let myself have it? I want to experience it, but on the outside it does not seem so. They left me alone, namely they let two of us be with ourselves. If we need something, we should call them, they go to rest downstairs. The children are sent to sleep, we call them when the head is coming out. The midwife is sleeping, but she is still in presence and that is enough. The timeless time is here what every expecting woman knows.
I feel the head coming out.
Maybe we should call them, time is here. But no, we leave them rest; let them dream, because their presence is in the air. Everything will go well, out of harm and in love. It must be that way.
But catch it, don’t let it fall down! I hope I won’t take a poo on it; will you take care of our baby?
Here comes the small, warm body too. My sweet darling seizes it with a hand of a midwife: knowledge, power and calm beset him, he unrolls the umbilical cords. It’s a soft, warm, hairy and wonderful little creature. I hold it tight and it cuddles up to me. Harmony smiles on its face; flash of happiness.
So is that you? Yes, it is really You.
Slowly all sleepy-head awakes. Boy or girl? I have no idea, it’s just here and now it’s enough. I feel a small willy in my hand. It is funny, I laugh and they laugh too.
We lay into bed, body to body, he searches for my breast, sniffles, finds it and the two become one.
Another call for Ági, they have to go. I want to extend the moment and have them stay. My heart fills with sorrow.
I haven’t been a child who gets all attention, who is selfish and gets all catering and stroke, and who is free to do whatever. Should I grow up already and be understanding and resigned?
I release them; so it shall be. The moment flu away, maybe one day I will receive it.
Ági bends over me and point my scar and hers in our forehead. Yes, both of us have a sign there, we are sisters. A kiss on my brows.
My second birth – the naturalness
This pregnancy stirred me up. I planned to watch over one small baby for a while. But a new life knocked and said: here I am, and turned my life upside down. All feelings crossed my mind: anger, bitterness, helplessness, fear for my body, a wish that men could give birth, and that again I won’t be able to tide my shoes… And I let all feelings to come and go, to clear up, so I can make a real decision. I didn’t want another murder and I didn’t want my life to overturn totally. While the process went forward, I felt guilt, because I knew exactly what this little creature feels inside my womb. I knew that I have to carry this guilt as long as I live; but I also knew that I cannot overwhelm it, because we would bear the consequences in both our lives.
At last: yes! It was a real yes to it, I turned my thumb up. We could breathe out and my baby started to talk to me. Months passed by.
I labour since three days: during washing dishes, shower or bedtime stories. I stop then and bend over a bit, after a while life goes on. It is an everyday event. What is matter is that finally we are in our dream home. We couldn’t guess when I will give birth: before, during or after moving in, but we just pack out and put the first picture on our wall. An inner certainty grows in me: today! I send my three sons away, I desire solitude.
Contractions are more and more frequent. I am reading because I don’t want to be with the pain. I want to have a rest now and don’t wish for new challenges. Time flies and the pain is less, the contractions rarefy. At last all stops and we disappointedly go to sleep. We just encamp in bed when waves of pain bring me down as never before. Quickly hot water in the bath to ease the pain (my sweetheart calls Ági, too) and my little baby swims out already. Everything is red around me: bathwater, bath curtain, and the small grimy body. It is unbelievable that is already here. We are sitting in the water, a small face bores onto my breast and a small hand lies by too. My sweet little one.
Now the real challenge is: for a wet mother with her slippery baby, and with the hanging and even more slippery placenta to slide into bed dry and clean. It is a fortune to have my own skillful “midwife”: my darling.
After a while the real midwife arrives as well along with a doula. They could not outrun the procedure. We are fine now; there is left only the cord to be cut and to exam the placenta. And we are happy for them, because they are our first guests in our new home. We eat prunes and almonds with them amongst our boxes.
Véletlenül kiválasztott mesék.
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